Would You Like a Foil Hat to Match?

I once wrote a dystopian story in which the human race, as a result of constant cell phone use, had mutated into two forms.  One form was adapted to texting while the other was built for talking on the phone.  Of course, being humans, each group hated the other for being different.

Well, I’m happy to say that it looks like that story may not come true!

There is a concern that the emanations from cell phones and computers may be dangerous to our health.  In the case of men, who often hold or carry phones at belt height or use laptops, which as the name suggests are often sited close to the lap, there is evidence that emanations can impair the motility of sperm and even cause genetic alterations.  In fact, there are medical practitioners who are raising red flags about the effects of long term exposure to wi-fi and other forms of radiation.

But it turns out we have a White Knight!  Entrepreneur reports a crowdfunding exercise started by a British physics teacher to produce something called “Wireless Armour” boxer briefs.

I’m not making this up.

Wireless Armour knickers are cotton with some sort of silver mesh woven in that blocks 99.99% of harmful radiation.

As you might guess, protection isn’t cheap.  The introductory offer (which also includes a personal call from the physics teacher) is something called “The Weekly Armour Set.”  It costs about NZ$300 and includes 8 pairs of nickers.  As the promotion says, one for each day and one for emergency.  I guess you never know when an exciting new app might make someone mess their Armour.

It will be interesting to see if the Wireless Armour idea catches on.  It’s scary to think that someone might Tweet that they are wearing their Wireless Armour or how they feel.  Or worse, post a selfie.

The best we can hope for is that the radiation issue gets some serious study and the products are designed and built to protect the user so the user doesn’t have to resort to silver lined underwear.

I Wish My Daddy Had Worn Wireless Armour!

Godzilla

12 responses to “Would You Like a Foil Hat to Match?

  1. Oh, bring it on! As you may know, silver is bacteriostatic, so the radiation-proof underpants will also protect the wearer from smelling skanky in hot sticky weather (like we’re having here today in the Tidewater of Virginia).

    I don’t know if a matching hat would be a justified expenditure, but I already own some silver-woven socks that are immune to foot odor. The price was hardly in line with the Wireless Armour pants; I do smell something, and I think it’s profiteering.

  2. Wow , All these years I have been wearing a large Lay’s potato chip bag with leg holes cut in. As far as
    the Foil Hat my crazy uncle left his in his will to me, he felt it keep Elephants out of his house
    (yes in Ohio ) With all that said I am trying
    to take a selfie of my self so others can benefit . The hat works well,no Elephants so far except at the Zoo, And to Sledpress
    no profits here just a little guidance.
    .

  3. I am very much against the anti-wifi tightie whities.. Seems to me that if the radiation really does hurt sperm, then we are trying to undermine natural selection. If we are lucky, all those guys who think they are so important that they carry two or three phones won’t be able to reproduce, so maybe one day we can go back to a world where people communicate face to face.

  4. You got it correct

  5. To the guy who’s always on his phone, wears sperm-sacred underwear that cost $40 apiece, and likely can’t resist ‘new message’ while having sex—dude, I am so hot for you!

    This ‘emergency pair’ is intriguing. Does this mean they’re not washable and a new set is shipped to you each week, or does it mean that the creators assume you will do your laundry only once a week, even if overcome by a special new app (or just want to change your clothes)?

    • Thanks for the comment and the laugh. Good question about the laundry. From what Sledpress says, maybe you don’t have to wash them which would give the wearer more time for multitasking.

  6. Gail Robertson

    Tom, these undies sound a bit like the ones offered via on line shopping at Alexcious – Samurai undies – as worn by the samurai – check them out. they certainly cost more but have a “wow” feature. Gail.

  7. I think a roll of tin-foil kept handy, would be a lot cheaper.

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